Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Helping vs Enabling

I was speaking with an old friend the other day and I casually mentioned I was helping out Kid 2 with some phone calls to potential rental homes for he and his friends. Admittedly, I made a joke out of it. Something along the lines of "my grown ass Naval nuclear engineer needs his mommy's help".

My friend said, "you know you're an enabler."

My response was fuck off. Well that was my response in my head. What I wrote was "well duh."

This friend was around during the worst of my marriage to an alcoholic. He saw the damage it did. He saw the hell I was put through.

Or rather, he chose not to see all that.  It was all right out there for the world to see, but funny, how "friends" who, after the fact, tell you how sorry they are, don't step up during the bad times and say anything or offer to help.

But, that was then.

As I thought more about it, I thought no, this really isn't enabling. Any of us who have lived with a loved ones addiction get real good at enabling. We might not recognize it or admit it right away. But we know it and we do it.

Until we know it and we don't do it.

Enabling = a young man who sleeps all day, plays video games, gets drunk/ high and can't find the time to make calls on his own so you do it for him.

Helping = a young man who is about to graduate nuclear engineer school is studying for final exams and doesn't have access to his phone until later in the day when most rental agencies are closed so I make a few simple phone calls for him

BIG difference.

But that enabling term gets thrown around, not in a helpful way, but in a way to let us know we are being judged. We're wrong. We are weak.

To that I say, fuck you.

Walk a mile in my shoes. Spend years living with an alcoholic husband and then fighting for a drug addicted son. Get to the point you will do anything, anything at all, to make the addiction go away. Finally find a place of peace in your life, your child is healthy, you - dare you say it - are finally happy.

Imply I'm weak and I'll remind you how strong I have had to be.

I can't promise I'll never enable anyone again. But I can promise I'll never not help my children when they need it.




Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I Just Remembered What I Forgot

Or...

I Finally Realized Why I Haven't Been Writing Lately

And it's not laziness!

Well, not just laziness.

I am maxed out on personal training clients at work right now and my empath tendencies are in overdrive. I am worn out from putting all my energy into helping other people that I don't have enough left over energy for myself.

I love my personal training clients and all my class members. I truly do. But I also genuinely care about them. So when they are hurting, I am hurting. When they are struggling, I am struggling to help them. My job, both when training, teaching and as a wellness coordinator is a sort of cheerleader. I need to smile and encourage everyone all day long.

All. Day. Long.

Factor in I often work split shifts, usually 8-2 and then again 4-8, and they make for long days.

So I'm more than a little tired by the time I get home at night.

Well duh. I go through this periodically.

Work a lot - write hardly at all.

Work a little - write like crazy.

It's a crappy balancing act with no balance at all.

It's good that I'm working a lot right now. I need to keep that up. But I also need to balance it out with some self care and some me time. Which, of course, includes writing. I know if I look back through this blog I have written many times about that delicate balancing act.

And, after all this time, I still haven't figured it out.

Yet.




This post is a part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group, a monthly meeting of writers who over think, under write and just want people to like them.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Writing A Book, Just Writing Anything, Is An Accomplishment

Publicity for my book seems to come in waves. There's total silence and zero sales for a month or two, and then suddenly a flurry of activity and sales. I can't always pinpoint what leads to the sudden sales increase, but I am always grateful for it.

Right now I'm in a sales upswing which also leads to more local people finding out about my book. While ninety percent of the people are always positive and encouraging, there are always those few that seem to want to diminish my achievement.

Did you try and get published with Random House?
Oh, my friend wrote a book and was interviewed by (insert name of television person I haven't even heard of here)?
How many books have you sold?
How much money did you make?
I thought authors made a lot of money?
Why haven't you written a second book yet?
JK Rowling wrote her books as a single mom on the train? Why can't you make more time to write?

I remember when the book first came out one guy I don't even know on social media kept telling me it wasn't a "real book" if one of the major publishing houses didn't publish it. He went away pretty quick when I asked for the link to his bestselling book. (He didn't have one of course.)

I'm pretty good about not letting the haters get me down. It's just such a weird phenomenon. I don't know why people are so quick to critique everything. 

I tell fellow writers publishing a book doesn't make you a real writer. Writing makes you a real writer. 



Just in case you missed all the other links I've posted, you can find my book Creating A Joyful Life: The Lessons I Learned From Yoga and My Mom right here on Amazon.





This post is a part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group, a monthly meeting of writers who over think, under write and just want people to like them.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Friday Freestyle Writing 3/24/17

Our new puppy chewed up my McKenzie Roll cervical roll pillow. It wasn't expensive, but she chewed it up and it was mine :( The cervical roll is the only thing I've found that helps my messed up neck to not get even more messed up and cause me pain and headaches. And I've bought more than a couple way more expensive pillows specially designed for neck support. Now I have to order another one from Amazon but for some reason haven't done it yet. Oh I also need to order another bottle of the Glucosamine for my fingers. I'm refusing to admit age is setting in and perhaps arthritis, but I do feel better when I take the Glucosamine daily. For a while there I thought I had gout in my thumb. I mean I knew it wasn't really gout but man it was really sore and kinda warm to the touch. I started taking the Glucosamine again and it is improving quickly. Which leads to the arthritis theory which goes back to the getting older issue.

I told someone today that I am working on my second book. Lies, all lies. Unless you count thinking about working on my second book. And even though I always procrastinate in my writing, I think I figured out why this time. But, I'll save that for the intro to the second book. Which I really am (thinking about) getting to work on.

Why is my face so red and warm the past couple days? It's really weird. I'm not sick. I have been using a new face moisturizer recommended by the dermatologist to "heal some damaged skin cells that could lead to skin cancer". But I've been using it for a couple months now so surely it's not a reaction to that after this long. Today I taught step aerobics and my face and arms got really red. Now the room as exceptionally hot to start, and I haven't taught step in probably six months. But still, I was really red. I hope I'm not getting sick.

Now that my broken foot isn't quite as broken, I've gotten back into the swing of things in the gym. I was thinking today that I need a good weightlifting program for women so I decided to take a look online for free programs. What utter pieces of crap. After looking through a few sites, and getting annoyed at the bad alignment in the pictures, I remembered oh yeah, I already know all this. I am a personal trainer after all.

My cat just jumped and caught a mosquito out of the air.



Wednesday, March 8, 2017

An Almost Not Good, But Turned Out To Be Very Good Day

Today was a good day. One of those days that you have to hold on and be grateful for when they come around.

It had potential though to NOT be a good day.

We were supposed to leave early tomorrow morning on a road-trip adventure to Minneapolis. Kid 3, myself and Kid 5 had been planning this for weeks. We would see Kid 3's girlfriend, meet her family and visit the Mall of America.

But then about 1:30 this afternoon I got the phone call.

Kid 3's car needed about $700 worth of repair work. And the repairs were serious safety issues so they couldn't be put off until later.

We would be driving my car the 12 1/2 hours to Minneapolis, so transportation wasn't an issue. The $700 was the issue.

Kid 3 had enough to pay for the road trip, or enough to pay for the car. One of those crappy adult responsibility decisions that suck whether you are 18 or 48.

I am proud to say with very little hesitation he realized the road trip was off and he needed to pay for the car repairs.

That could have ruined the day. In the past I think it would have.

But not today.

This evening I had to go back to work to personal train just one client. Kids 3 and 5 came with me and got in a good workout themselves. When we got home, the rest of the kids joined us and we went to our favorite local burger and wings restaurant.

We didn't know the restaurant had started a new weekly trivia night every Wednesday. We had so much fun playing along as a family. It's even more fun playing now that the kids are teenagers and young adults and realizing how smart and well read they have become.

Between trivia rounds and burger bites, we got caught up on each others busy lives, laughed and genuinely enjoyed each others company.

Those rare moments of living life with ease are very special indeed.



Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Writing Recycling

March 1 question: Have you ever pulled out a really old story and reworked it? Did it work out?

Yes! Who hasn't? Or why wouldn't you?

Most of the writers in the Insecure Writer's Support Group are fiction writers so I'm sure this question is really meant for those old half written stories that never got finished. But, as a nonfiction writer, I have often pulled out old blog posts, old ideas jotted down or even an already published piece to rework it and republish it.

As a freelance writer you have to find a way to get the most from your writing. Usually it's rewriting a piece with a different angle for a different publication. Or expanding on a shorter post to make it more in-depth.

I'm still in my writing funk and not doing much, if any, writing. Let alone any rewriting. I'm still not sure what that is about.

Maybe I'll go through some of my old stuff and see if there is anything to refresh and renew my writing spark.



This post is a part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group, a monthly meeting of writers who over think, under write and just want people to like them.

Friday, February 17, 2017

There But For The Grace of God...

It's the beginning of the year and so the fitness center I work at has been extra busy with new members lately. Which is great. New members mean new people committing to their health, and it means more available paid hours for me.

I've been a personal trainer for I guess about seven or so years now. I always tell people if you want to train for a marathon I am not your girl. But if you have a bad knee, steel rods in your spine, rehabbing an injury or a chronic condition like MS, than I am the one that can help you.

I am the trainer that takes, and really enjoys working with, clients that other trainers aren't comfortable with. My background in working with seniors and yoga therapy make me very well suited to the "special cases."

But this year, I've had a line of new members trying to recover from having a stroke.

Strokes scare the hell out of me.

Not working with stroke patients. But the fear of having a stroke one day myself.

I worked with a woman today who is 45 years old. So she is younger than me. She had a stroke four years ago and can barely get around with a walker now. Her speech is still very impaired and she has no feeling in her thighs.

I asked what kind of rehab she had, four years ago after her stroke, and she said none. She didn't have insurance four years ago so she wasn't offered any sort of rehab because she obviously couldn't afford it.

Now this just pisses me off.

(Warning... political rant ahead)

Sure Republicans, let's repeal the Affordable Care Act. A law that certainly isn't perfect, but a law that offers health care to people that otherwise couldn't afford it. A law that without people have suffered. A law that without people have died.

My new client (whom I am working with pro bono in case you are wondering how she can afford a personal trainer - she can't) did not have health insurance and therefore she was not offered quality care. Forget quality care, she wasn't even offered half ass rehab to try and keep her a functioning independent member of society.

Oh she has health care coverage now. Because she can not care for herself independently and she now has more medical problems and medical bills from her stroke. And even more health issues because she was never given the opportunity to recover after her stroke. Her health insurance is at the expense of those tax payers who want to repeal the ACA. But from what I've read it seems there is a push to also do away with or severely cut back Medicare and Medicaid.

I don't know her story from four years ago and why she had no health insurance. But it doesn't matter. She could not afford the health care she needed and now she is suffering.

I don't know how much I'll be able to help her. Four years is a long time. The window of opportunity after a stroke is only about one year. Our goal is to get her legs stronger and her stability more secure so she can at least walk a little more at ease on the walker.

She literally sat in my office and cried today because no one else would help her.

And all I did was say I would try.

I look at her, and the other stroke victims I have met lately, and think dear God what if that is me someday. Will I be able to get the health care I need? Will I have access to rehab to try and regain some functionality? Who will take care of me if I can't take care of myself?

Strokes scare the hell out of me.

And politicians just piss me off.